


Truth or Dare - but spooky?

by inslupbanana



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:41:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inslupbanana/pseuds/inslupbanana
Summary: One stormy night in Button house Alison decides she is sick of the ghosts moping and gathers them all around to play a good game of truth or dare. Mike can't see any of them, Fanny thinks it's a stupid idea, Julian is disturbingly excited about it and the Captain is doing his best to run away. Should be fun.
Comments: 40
Kudos: 98





	1. Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a storm surrounds Button house and cuts off the electricity a suggestion is made that the group all gathers together for a good ol' game of truth in dare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the smallest fandom I've written for yet so hopefully, in some convoluted way it'll motivate me. Have accidentally got a job now so yay even less writing than I'd anticipated. oops.

It is a dark and stormy night (day) and the Captain is pacing. He realises that is a cliche phrase to describe his current situation but he is, after all, a ghost and if he had any chains at this moment he would truly be rattling them, so to speak. 

Ever since he was a boy he has disliked the dramatic flashing and noise the present thunder and lightning is flaunting, a childhood fear that has since morphed into something deeper after a lifelong (deathlong?) career in the army. Unfortunately, he has no way of hiding as, despite the darkness visible through the cracked glass, it is merely midday and the others would probably question his whereabouts if he were to be absent for so long.

Or perhaps that is wishful thinking, none of his fellow ghosts has ever expressed a particular liking toward him, though as the stoic man he purports himself to be he can settle for commanding their respect. Despite this possibility that they may not search for him out of need/want, however, he can be sure to not underestimate their sheer nosiness and so will not yet allow himself to waste his energy floating in the thick brick walls as he usually does.

Thus, his incessant patrolling within his room, he marches with his head held high and game face on, determined to outwit this squall as he has all other enemies he has faced. (Most of them anyway.) With luck, it shouldn't last too long and he can make a quick appearance elsewhere to dispel unwanted invaders before sleeping the rest of his ~~panic~~ fatigue away.

A sudden scream from the other side of the house propels him out of his thoughts and instinctively through the door toward the sound. Sure only two of the house's inhabitants have the potential to actually be harmed but as a Captain, he's always going to protect his people and he has yet to forget Julian's propensity for attempted murder.

Hence his speedy passage through the walls to the marvellous tv room where he suspected the noise had originated from, calling for the others as he floats closer. "Fanny? That better not be you practising or some nonsense, trying to scare me out of my wits like that. Alison?".

Rounding the corner (to enter by the door, as is only polite) he wasn't expecting to be immediately faced with an irate, and very much alive, woman throwing the remote directly through his head. "Oh!" Even after around 75 years of existence as a spectre he still hated that nauseating feeling.

"I must say, I don't know what I did to deserve that." Observing the lack of other dangers the Captain stopped in front of the couple and gripped his swagger stick as he bounced slightly on the balls of his feet.

Alison scowled harder as she turned to face him properly, "Sure you don't Captain, this isn't yet another ridiculous plot by you and those idiots you call friends to throw me out of my own house and home!" A heaving breath "No, you just happen to turn up at the exact time all our electricity goes out because you were actually _worried_ about us!" 

At the slight tilt of his head and the downward flicker of his gaze toward the floor Alison pales slightly and covers her mouth, neither of them noticing Mike standing up slowly behind her as the rest of the ghosts begin to come through the walls and crowd around.

The Captain clears his throat to rid himself of the uncomfortable feeling crawling within and awkwardly acquiesces "Alison, while one may say I have been unfair to you in the past I promise I have no knowledge of any such plot."

"You know it was probably the storm, yeah?" Mike unknowingly backs him up, placing a hand on Alison's shoulder to calm her.

(Everyone ignores the background thud and shout of "Not again! How am I supposed to eavesdrop from the floor!")

"Right. Storm, yes. Sorry, Captain - in a bit of a mood" Here Mike mouths 'Don't ask' in the direction he thinks she's talking - and misses any ghosts by a foot or so but a valiant effort. 

The Captain nods tightly in his own form of apology and steps back to allow Kitty who had been jittering not-so-silently behind him a chance to interrupt.

"Alison, Alison, Alison!" Everyone has a good view of said woman's barely suppressed eye-roll before she seems to soften a little as the uncomfortable moment is lightened. 

"Yes, Kitty was there something you wanted?"

She giggles and waves her hands "Well I just thought, since there's a storm and all, we could have a fun day and then a proper sleepover! Not like you have much else to do!"

Surprisingly for her current mood, Alison seems to be giving Kitty's suggestion some thought as she relays the statement to her husband and they have a whispered argument in the middle of the crowded room. It is Mike who nods along for a bit before he pulls back with a nervous chuckle and replies, "Well, er, - am I facing the right one? Yeah? Okay, er we figure it'll be a bit weird since I can't see any of you but aside from that the only other thing I could be doing is fixing stuff and I'm not very good at that so, yeah. Looks like we're having a 'sleepover.' "

"Yay!" Kitty squeaked "What do we do now? Can we play those games you mentioned - ooh I've always wanted to do the truth or lie thingy!"

"Truth or _Dare._ " Julian mutters behind her.

"I've always wanted to do Truth or Dare!" she repeats undeterred. 

Alison shrugs "Truth or Dare could work, right Mike?" She brushes off his dubious look and starts directing the ghosts to gather in one of the larger downstairs areas "Maybe the library?" she says to the general crowd as she picks up her blankets and shuffles after them, Mike following in her wake.

The Captain is left standing ramrod straight in the empty room, hands still clenched for fear they would tremble if he relaxed. He considers retiring once more to his bed but as a loud clap of thunder cracks his composure he changes his mind. Whatever this silly game could be, surely it'll be better than sitting out this storm alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the off chance that someone reads this, I apologise for the writing inconsistency, hopefully this'll be good practice.  
> Also, they'll start the game next chapter so if you have any ideas for fun truths/dares you'd like to see, please do let me know! :)


	2. The game begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ghostly gang begins their game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it took me two weeks to write this and its so dumb oops.  
> (Just remember this is essentially a writing exercise for me and try not to be too harsh :p)

Julian enters the library in the middle of a chattering ghostly throng, flashes of the evening storm the only light as Mike mutters frustratedly behind them, attempting to find the switch. He's not sure this is going to be the fun kind of truth or dare he's used to playing but it shouldn't hurt to give it a go all the same, they have got the rest of eternity to get through. 

Alison carefully steps around the ghosts and begins dragging the furniture in the centre of the room to the outside.

"It'll be more like a sleepover if we sit on the floor, don't you think?" Clearly not expecting a reply she places her blanket down and sits cross-legged so that her back is to the window, "Come on then make a circle."

Grumbling interspersed with Kitty's enthusiastic chatter punctuates everyone's movements as they begin shuffling around, eventually coming up with what looks more like a sad sort of oval, with Fanny and the Captain yet to sit down, Humphrey's body wandering aimlessly in the middle and Mike accidentally almost sitting on Kitty before his wife pulls him aside.

"Well, how am I supposed to know where to sit when I can't see any of them?" He groans.

"Wait for them to stop first and then you can sit." Mike rolls his eyes but does as he's told, slumping against the windowsill.

Humphrey evidently gives up on trying to communicate to his body as it goes back out through the door, instead simply asking Julian to chuck him after it. "Gently!" His cry fades as the politician is only too happy to oblige. 

Staying in his seat, Julian is content to watch the commotion around him as his (friends?) fellow members of the no-longer-living party once again try to get themselves sorted, only shifting slightly to the side as the Captain settles to his right, one hand on his back as he emits a low drawn-out groan. 

Julian watches as Alison finally tugs Mike to the floor and begins pointing out where the others are, "Okay, going from my right we've got Kitty - the friendly one, Pat - the Scout leader, Robin - the caveman, Mary - burnt our food, Fanny - who still hasn't sat down? - hold on."

She turns to the former owner of Button house "Why haven't you sat down yet?"

"A lady doesn't sit on the floor!" Fanny replies, ignoring everyone's collective groans. 

"Yeah, yeah okay I'll just pull one of the lower stools over or something. Right," Alison turns back to her husband "now next to Fanny is Thomas - the poet, Julian - no trousers and a first from Cambridge remember? and lastly on your left is the Captain."

At Mike's nod, Alison claps her hands with a bright smile, "Good! Now we're all sorted I can explain the rules and then we can finally get this game going, so in no particular order 

We'll choose people by spinning the bottle, or in this case, using my phone to spin the bottle for us, and it'll randomly choose someone for whoever spun to give a truth or a dare. Since most of you can't spin the bottle yourselves you can get either me, Mike or Julian to do it, depending on who just went and if the bottle lands on you or the person or who just dared you, you get a re-do.

You can pick whether you want to be given a truth or a dare, if either is something you really don't want to do or answer you can get a group vote to decide whether or not we think you should do it. Hopefully, everyone will be fair as they'd want people to vote fairly for them and if the vote goes in your favour you can choose the option you hadn't previously picked.

I think we should also have the option to dare people secretly, might make things a bit more interesting, so the others don't know what it is but these sort of dares can't last too long, you'll have to put some sort of limit on it, whether a time constraint or until everyone else figures out what the dare was - whatever. 

The same applies to give Mike dares if you want but they'll have to go through me, or perhaps Julian typing it out if it needs to be a bit more secret.

And the most important rule - no I'm not going to say have fun - is don't be stupid, we don't want to upset everyone, so no nudity" She glances to Julian, "or no more than there currently is and nothing that would hurt. 

Pat puts his hand up with a polite smile "Yes, sorry, I think I got that but when does this game end? Is there a scoring system?"

Alison shrugs "It just ends whenever we get bored. If everyone else is clear" She pauses briefly and scans the circle of faces," okay, then I'll go first to demonstrate."

Julian rolls his eyes as she leans forward to place her phone face-up in the middle "It'll take more than a demonstration for any of these lot to understand."

Her pointed silence is his only answer as she ignores him in favour of tapping the screen, the ghosts leaning forward eagerly to watch while the simulation of the turning glass bottle gently slows until it stops - pointing directly to Pat.

"Oh that's me, isn't it? What happens now then?" He chuckles and claps his hands a little, ever-enthusiastic for group activities. 

"You have to choose truth or dare, remember," Alison replies.

"Dare then? I think?" He shoots a nervous glance to Robin who grunts re-assuringly. (Or as re-assuringly as a man from the beginning of time can grunt anyhow.)

It takes a few seconds for her to find one suitable, "I think something easy to start then Pat, talk in a high pitched voice for the next three rounds and if you forget I'm sure we can think up something much worse." 

From Julian's vantage point directly opposite he can see the quizzical look that passes momentarily across Pat's feature's before the other draws himself up to the challenge "Er, okay, how's this?"

Alison does a bad job of hiding her smile "Squeaky but not enough yet."

"How's this?" his moustache trembles with the effort, words barely discernable as it can truthfully be said he is now more mouse than man. Receiving a smug nod in reply he lets out a little puff of air and continues "Can you spin the thing for me then please?" 

A few titters pass around the circle and Julian cannot hide his own chuckle, this is probably the only way that Pat's whole over-eager tour guide bit could get any more annoying. He's brought back from this train of thought by what is likely a very shrill version of his name, "Julian!"

"Yeah Pat, not paying attention, what were you saying?" He takes a perverse delight in the blush that is slowly crawling up the other man's face.

"I said it landed on you! I'm trying to ask you if you want a truth or dare."

Hmm, probably best not to take a dare this early on, he's got plenty of scarring ones saved up for the others for later so, for now, it'll be easiest to just go "Truth, why not eh?"

"Okay! Good!" Apparently it is possible for Pat's voice to get higher as his frustration with his dare is beginning to show, "Erm, oh I don't know actually, what's a nice thing to ask?"

Before Alison can interrupt as she so clearly shuffles forward to do, that piercing voice is already continuing, words tumbling out in his haste to finish "No wait I-I've got one! How manydifferentlanguagesdoyouknow?"

As Julian catches up with what he's being asked he decides no-one would appreciate it if he pointed out how shit of a question that actually was, though the mildly disgruntled look on Alison's face tells him that at least someone else noticed. 

"English, conversational German and some Mandarin actually." 

Pat's nose scrunches up "Really, oh that's nice, isn't it?"

Julian nods in the silence that follows, allowing himself a satisfying amount of time to take in the ghosts varying shocked expressions while Alison is relaying the happenings to Mike. Might as well get this started properly then he thinks before leaning over and feeling that familiar energy drain as he presses the bold yellow 'Spin' button in the centre of the phone screen.

His following call of "Ooh Alison!" sounds a little more suspicious than he means it to but he's got a little something saved up as long as she picks dare. Luckily, after she's finished conversing with her husband, she focuses back on the game and subsequently does so, with unwarranted delight.

"Let's make this more interesting now then!" She says, not realising that Julian is already far ahead of her in that respect.

"I'll just come over there a sec, wouldn't want to ruin the surprise for the others, now would I?" The wary look he gets for that indicates she is beginning to cotton on as they both stand and move to the corner of the room. 

"What is it?" She whispers (badly) and gets a few "We can still hear you!"s from behind their backs.

Julian sniggers and ducks his head "Well, I was thinking,"

"First time for everything." 

"Rude!" He's only half-joking.

Alison's grin only drops a fraction "Sorry."

"Anyway as I was saying, I was thinking - don't say it- and Thomas' sighing has been getting a little irritating recently-"

"Pretty sure it's worse for me mate" She snorts.

"Would you stop interrupting!" Julian's not too annoyed, she's not wrong.

This time she mimes zipping her lips and opens her eyes wide to mimic giving him her full attention.

" _Better_ , now as I was saying Thomas is a teensy bit annoying and I have the perfect way to do something about it - I simply dare you to ignore him for as long as possible." Julian finally finishes his sentence and waves his hand, allowing her to reply.

"Isn't that a bit mean?"

"Not really as such, what could really be defined as mean anyway- no don't interrupt okay-" He coughs "It's a perfect dare, it allows you to have a better reason to ignore his silly poetry, it will only last until he figures out that this is your dare and he can't get too mad about it because it's only a game!"

Alison considers him for a moment, "You've thought that through haven't you?" She brightens up a bit and moves back to rejoin the others "Yeah all right then, I'll take that dare."

Julian follows, once more pleased with himself, shouldn't take too much to make this game a little more interesting as long as everyone plays along. 

"So what was it then?" Pat, still following his own dare, asks. 

Alison shakes her head as she moves to spin the bottle "Sorry Pat, that's the whole point of a secret dare." Glancing at the nine people surrounding her she continues, "Shall we see who's next then?" 

The fake bottle slows down and Julian leans forward as Thomas' name comes into view, he's eager to see if she'll go along with it as well as he hoped. 

"Thomas" Alison reads off the 'unfamiliar' name with a frown as the ghost himself turns in her direction, speed befitting his unnatural state. "Sorry, I think I've put the wrong name on here?" Glancing around her eyes seem to skip over a very confused poet, currently wedged between Fanny and Julian.

Due to their proximity, Julian is in a good position to watch the emotions flitting over Thomas' face as he does his best to interrupt "No I'm right here? Surely you cannot forget such love as ours!" 

"Anybody know a Thomas?" she continues right over him as some of the others begin chiming in,

"Well he's right there isn't he", from Pat 

"A lady shouldn't mess around like this", is Fanny's helpful contribution and Kitty giggles out her own approximation of assent.

The trouble-maker is content to sit back a little and watch as they all get louder around him, Alison doing her best to keep a straight face and spin again despite mournful cries of "Why must you spurn me so! We had so much my love, it cannot be true that you have lost such dear memories so soon!"

"Okaayyy, looks like the apps working now, Robin! Truth or dare?" She shouts across to him. 

Julian hadn't failed to notice that Robin hadn't joined in with the others and was calmly staying still in his seat. He's not that surprised, the cave-man has been around so long he always seems to know a lot more than people expect of him. 

"Uhh... dare" he replies, ignoring the increasing noise.

"Tell us a joke!" Alison shouts back, an obvious attempt to move the game along quickly. 

"Ok, ok." He appears to be thinking hard "Huuh.... I know! I know! How do bear catch fish?"

Everyone settles a little and even Thomas stops his monologuing, keen to see what their friend's idea of humour is, "With bear hands!" Robin's characteristic stilted laugh permeates the now otherwise quiet room as they are all too stunned to find an appropriate response to that truly terrible pun. 

The Captain, who had yet to say anything since entering the library - merely staring out the window seemingly transfixed by the weather, seems to take it upon himself to get things going again as he gives a pained grimace "Right, yes, very good Robin. I'm sure everyone else agrees, don't they?" That snaps the ghosts out of their stupor and the circle begins a theatrical round of frenzied agreement which Robin takes with a charming grin. 

"Good, then if Alison would kindly spin the bottle once more and we shall continue with this... delightful game."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not really much of ending but honestly couldn't think of how to continue quite yet. Let me know if this is actually working?? I cant do tenses and my pov is confusing and ugh.  
> Please if you have any ideas for truths/dares for particular characters leave a comment! I'm looking them up currently and I still don't have many.  
> Also I got a job for 4 days and then quit bc it was terrible (and I'm weak) but that means more writing time yay


	3. Speeding things up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took an extra week! I tried to make it a little longer to make up for it but this is probably the length my chapters should be anyway. I had an actual essay to do and ofc despite having weeks to do it I did it a few days before the deadline and then wanted to just get another chapter out as fast as possible. This fandom rly needs more fic y ou know, I love these characters.

Distracted as he was earlier, the Captain is surprised to realise he's actually beginning to enjoy this silly game. Not much has happened yet but even he can't help but feel a little lighter while watching everyone laughing and enjoying themselves, its a nice break from the usual monotony of their (after)life. 

As he watches Robin shifting to stare the spinner down, he's glad that he's got something else to focus on. That, of course, lasts until the bottle slows dangerously close to him and that foreboding returns though fortunately, its the man just to his right who is the unlucky soul that gets the next turn. This is Mike who very clearly has no idea what's been happening so far but is sat in the corner awkwardly chuckling at his wife's descriptions. 

"So er, who's go was that then?" mild apprehension is the polite way to describe his tone, as everyone can see the gleeful look on Alison's face. 

"Robin's" She glances to where said caveman is grunting and gesturing enthusiastically, "he wants to know if you want truth or dare?" she asks and receives a pleased nod and affirmative-sounding grunt in confirmation.

Her husband still seems a little unsure as he looks for where's he's been told Robin is to answer, and the Captain notes how Mike never seems to quite face the right way, no matter how hard he tries.

"Er yeah, dare I guess?"

"Stand on head!" Robin's reply is immediate - he's clearly been waiting a while to say that. 

To everyone's amusement, Mike looks like he's actually going to give it a go despite the exasperated look on his face, as he shuffles back a little, "I can use the wall right?"

The eager caveman shrugs slightly before nodding to Alison who relays his assent accordingly. 

"Okay then, here goes nothing." And he's right, not much happens. He manages to get his head down alright, though he's still supporting himself with his hands as he swings his legs up and the Captain can hear the thud his heels make against the wall even over the sound of the ongoing storm. Then there is a split second where Mike is frozen in place with a pained expression as he's staring out at the rest of the room before the world seems to carry on and with much flailing, he topples over, feet coming down scant centimetres from the Captain's head.

What would've been a worrying near-miss if the Captain were alive is instead oddly amusing and it is for this reason that he is, in fact, the first to chuckle, as he drinks in the sight of a (grumpy) fully-grown man now face down on the floor. If this were a film there would perhaps be the sound of crickets chirping as everyone takes in his sudden amusement before Julian guffaws next to him and soon enough their entire ghostly gang is laughing along as Mike whines, his wife patting him consolingly with one hand and covering her smile with the other. 

"Come on Mike, you can't even see them, there's no point in being embarrassed." The amusement clear in her voice doesn't help her point, he simply buries his face in his arms further.

"But I know they're there!" 

"Well alright, but it's a silly thing to keep complaining about, I'm sure Robin can't stand on his head anyway." Alison tries to soothe him.

Mike finally listens as he gets up to retake his original seat, barely missing the Captain once more. Alison gets ready to once again continue the game but is cut off when the ghosts suddenly burst into hysterics; Robin has gotten up from his seat and is now doing a perfect headstand in the centre of the circle, not a shred of effort is visible as he closes his eyes and begins humming happily. 

"Oh wow, nevermind," she says, and the Captain can see Mike's head turn in a vain attempt to see what his wife is so surprised by.

Honestly, he isn't as confused by this as the others seem to be, he's been walking around the house minding his own business before only to turn a corner and find Robin stood on his head in the centre of a room. He is amused by their reactions though and as Pat squeaks happily opposite him he considers mentioning that his particular dare has finished, just maybe not quite yet. 

Eventually, they are starting to calm down though Robin has yet to move, "How can you do that for so long?" Alison asks as Mike continues to pout next to her.

Robin opens his eyes and grins, an even scarier sight at this angle, before twisting to stand to scattered applause from his friends, "Easy - flat head!"

Alison groans and covers her eyes, gesturing to Mike to go ahead and spin it, "Preferably before this lot kill me with stupidity." (Her previous dare makes it easier to ignore Thomas' eager reply.)

So, once again the Bottle of Doom (as the Captain has decided to call it) is turning threateningly in the centre of the circle, but luckily it slows far before it reaches him and Kitty is deemed to be the next victim. Contrary to his apprehension she doesn't seem too upset by this turn of events, clapping her hands and giggling before requesting a dare.

The Captain misses what happens next as a crash of thunder forces his attention once more out of the window and into the past, his mind floating beyond the corporeal form. He isn't quite sure how long he stays like this, staring at the flashing lightning and struggling under a lifetime of memories before a nudge to his side brings him back.

That's Julian's voice in his left ear "Should be funny" as reality forces its way through again. 

"Sorry, what?" He's still distant and he can see Julian turning to look at him in his peripheral vision, but they are both stopped short when Kitty opens her mouth and begins a spirited but shockingly off-key version of Rule Britannia. 

She leaps to her feet and stands, outstretching her arms and tilting her head to the ceiling as **"When Britain fi-i-irst, at heaven's command,"** bursts around the room and many of the ghosts (and Alison) have to restrain themselves from clutching their ears in shock. 

Thomas, who'd slowly been creeping closer to Alison, doesn't show the same courtesy - he even goes a step further and futilely attempts to press a cushion to his head to muffle the sound. "That is not art!"

**"Aro-o-o-ose from out the a-a-a-zure main"**

"That is torture, Oh!" He swoons despairingly, reaching forward as if to stop Kitty only to receive a truly scathing glare from Fanny.

"If you can claim your endless sighing to be art, then leave her be!" She huffs and turns her attention back to Kitty's performance as an intimidated Thomas shuts his mouth and retreats back to his seat next to his condemnor. 

The Captain muses the fact that Fanny is usually Kitty's biggest critiquer, perhaps more of that is an act than she usually lets on. It is hard for anyone to truly dislike a character as cheerful as Kitty - despite the _noise_ she is currently making. 

**"This was the charter, the charter of the land!"** punctuates this thought and his spirits lift once more. The sheer effort she puts into her singing makes up for her faltering pitch and the others seem to agree as even Thomas stops cowering to smile a little. Meanwhile, Alison has grabbed Mike's arms and the poor sod is currently enduring the process of being swung around to an imaginary tempo, Robin appears to be howling along and Pat is cheering so breathily the Captain is genuinely worried for his safety.

Perhaps now would be a good time to mention he doesn't have to continue at such a high timbre? 

"Pat!" He half-whispers across the circle, trying not to interrupt.

**"Rulllleee Britannia!"**

Finally Pat notices his pathetic attempts to garner his attention, "What?" is shot shrilly back as the scout leader cups his ear and leans forward.

**"Britaaannnia rules the waves!"**

"Your dare is over!", the Captain gets a blank look,

**"Britons never, never, never shall be slaves"**

"Sorry?!"

**"Rulllleee Britannia!"**

"I _said,_ your dare is over." He huffs and sits back as Pat registers what he's trying to say and slumps down as well, voice dropping to normal.

"Oh, I think I was actually starting to enjoy that, heh." Pat smiles and adjusts his glasses, embarrassed, before returning his attention to Kitty. 

" **Britannnia rules the waves!"**

The Captain grimaces back, he didn't mean to take the wind out of Pat's sails so badly, but it seems everyone is getting caught up in their dares more than he expected them to.

This is reinforced as Kitty spins on her toes in the centre of the circle shouting out her final line, " **Britons never, never, never shall be slaveeesss"**. With her arms held high above her head she comes to a stop facing a panting Mike and Alison and curtsies, beaming eagerly at the applause she receives in response. (Of course, Mike had to be prompted to do so but that doesn't dampen Kitty's spirits any - the Captain will admit it isn't often she gets people's full attention.)

Kitty plops herself in her original seat next to Pat as Alison follows suit, pressing her phone screen to continue the game as she does.

The Bottle of Doom chooses Mary who eyes it suspiciously, "Sattaaan?!" she warbles and the Captain winces at Alison's audible facepalm.

"No Mary, I renounced Satan remember?" Alison's tone is two parts exasperated, one part begrudgingly amused. 

Mary nods in acceptance, "Truths then!" she declares.

Kitty who is still grinning seems to perk up even more if that were possible. "Oh, right! Erm..." She trails off and glances to Alison, something the Captain has recently noticed most of the ghosts do these days when they're confused about something.

Only getting a shrug in response Kitty shakes it off and tries to think, "Well, maybe, oh I know!" she gasps and points at Mary excitedly, "What did you do when you were alive?"

The Captain frowns at the apparently silly question for a second before he realises he doesn't actually know the answer either, "Hmm yes that's a good one, Kitty". Always encourage the troops and all that. 

Mary's answer is almost instantaneous, "Oh I brews beer!"

"What?!" Pat's voice is once again much higher than it should be as most of the ghost utter various exclamations of surprise.

" _brewed_ " is Thomas' helpful contribution under his breath, though the Captain doubts Mary can hear him over everyone else's questions. 

"Shush!" Mary shouts, "let me finish!", despite the continuous rise and fall of her tone she cuts through the noise easily. "As I _says_ _,_ " she pauses to glare at Thomas in a way that suggests she did notice his comment, "I was mainly a wool spinner but I never married see so I stays -

" _stayed_ " Thomas can't seem to help himself.

"with my brother, I spuns the wool, he woves it and we both brews the beer!"

Which, from what little the Captain knows of the 17th century seems like a relatively sensible explanation. He's not sure what the expression currently on Alison's face is though, and evidently Mike agrees as he's the one who asks her about it, "You, Okay?"

"Yeah, no I'm fine, I just realised they really did live in a different time" she replies, still looking as if someone just slapped her, "and I don't actually know that much about them? Which makes sense, considering we've only just got here but" she gestures at the rest of the circle, "they don't seem to know too much about each other either."

The Captain who's the only one close enough to have heard their conversation ponders that, he's never particularly been of the sharing mindset but he has to admit for all the centuries some of them have spent together they really could at least get along better. 

Mary nods at them all, beaming her silly smile, "Julian I wants yous to spin it, why nots?" 

Julian grumbles a little under his breath but he complies anyway and for the second time that evening the random generator picks Thomas. Despite Alison's supposed confusion over who Thomas is, he actually gets a go this time as Mary quickly asks him for his choice before he complains again. 

"Dare, I suppose."

Mary's eyes sharpen in a way the Captain hasn't see before, "I dares you not to correct me for at least five goes-"

The Captain almost chokes in amusement, clearly, she did hear him after all.

"And I dares you to talks like this as well!" she finishes triumphantly.

Alison looks desperately like she wants to laugh at the affronted scowl on Thomas's face but unfortunately is still continuing her facade of not understanding what's happening and so has instead shoved her hand over her mouth and buried her head in her husband's shoulder - who's own confusion is definitely genuine. 

"Fine, I will" Thomas replies, after a long pause in which he was invariably looking for excuses.

"Ah, Ah!" Mary says, leaning over Fanny to wag her finger reproachfully in his face.

If possible Thomas's expression drops further, "Fines. I wills talks like this." 

"Goods!" Mary, pleased with her work, then high-fives an equally entertained Julian and returns to her seat.

There is a moment of silence as everyone gazes at Thomas expectantly before he groans and gestures to the phone, "Presses the button then if you must."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I keep trying to make whats supposed to be funny angsty, I bought myself a ww1 poetry book for 'research' purposes and now everything is sad. Also I'm dramatic af and apparently sometimes cannot stop myself.  
> And I kind of want to give the Captain a name but I'm hoping they'll do that with the next season of ghosts so I may just leave it a bit.  
> Still not sure how well this is reading, this is my first time writing this much character interaction so it's probably a little bit cringy still.


	4. Damnit Julian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, the chapter title isn't a star trek reference, leave me be.  
> I really tried to upload this one earlier than a week (i.e one day) but its Tuesday so i failed. Also, ignore the ambiguity in timing, continuity is for the weak.

It's Julian who complies from his seat to the Captain's left, still sniggering gleefully at Thomas's predicament even as he starts the next round. The Captain watches as the Bottle of Doom turns once more, again coming dangerously close to choosing him before instead landing on the very man who spun it.

Despite looking scarily pleased about this Julian still cannot resist protesting, "Since I was the one who pressed it," he begins, raising his index finger to punctuate his point only to be cut off by Alison.

"No" The mirth dies from her voice a little, "You don't have to turn everything into an argument Julian, just go with it."

"Okay" He shrugs and acquiesces - perhaps too easily, the Captain would be lying if he said he wasn't a little suspicious of what the other man had in mind. 

Their attention is then drawn by Thomas letting out a heavy sigh, his head turned as if he were on his favourite window seat as he stares into the middle distance. Fanny's query of "What are you moping about now?" definitively gives the impression that she would be rolling her eyes if it weren't so unladylike. 

Thomas merely settles his head lower in his hands, unwilling to talk too much with his ongoing dare so it is Pat who answers for him, "That's his thinking sigh - probably wondering what question to ask, heh."

Julian pipes up cheerfully once more, "Well it better be something good for that amount of misery!" his glance around the circle for the other's approval at his joking comment is met only with stony stares, notably the Captain's own. After a lifetime in the army, his disapproval was nothing to be sneered at, whatever the others may think of him and one look was enough to get Julian back on track. "Ahem, yes I chose truth last time so why not a dare this time, eh?"

"Yes, why not" the Captain muttered under his breath, still doubtful of the purity of Julian's motives. 

Thomas hums as he turns his gaze to Julian, "I's is still thinkings!" He proclaims, bravely turning his nose up at the resulting snickers. If the ghosts could hold their breath they surely would be as they all sit around in anticipation of the next dare, the Captain ever mindful of the storm outside as well as his aching back.

Julian breaks the settling tension by suddenly standing, towering over the musing poet to his left as he begins pacing around the outer wall of the library."It better be a good dare after this."

"Fine!" Thomas throws his arms up "Lets Kitty does your hairs!"

Julian stops abruptly and stares, "But..." he's clearly scrabbling for any excuse he can find, expression frozen in a look of mild horror. The Captain feels his lips twitching as he takes this in and judging by Alison's poor attempts to pretend she still has no idea what's going on, he's not the only one thoroughly amused by the bewildered politician. Julian snaps his fingers and points triumphantly at Thomas from where he'd halted behind Pat, "We're ghosts!"

"No, really?" Alison interjects.

"Kitty can't do my hair because she's got nothing to it with, Ha!" Julian's relieved smile comes a little too soon as Thomas is already countering his point. 

"I thinks you'll finds that, if Kitty doesn't minds, she can uses the stuffs she already has in her own hair?" He directs this more at Kitty than Julian and she nods eagerly, always happy to be involved. 

Julian clearly has no other way out of this as his shoulders slump and he mournfully pats his thickly-gelled scalp, "Do I really have to?" 

"Yes I thinks you does." Thomas seems to have gotten over his embarrassment at his new method of speech, or at least is comforted by bringing equal humiliation to someone else, as he grins cheerfully around at the rest of the entertained ghostly crew.

The Captain almost forgets the foreboding he'd previously felt as Julian's knowing smirk is no longer present, instead replaced by what could be called a pout if it were on a small child rather than the grown man currently sporting it. At Kitty's insistent tugging on his sleeve Julian scowls harder and clambers awkwardly around Pat to settle in the centre of the circle with his back towards her, giving his tormentor a good view of his irritated features. 

Very carefully Kitty begins undoing her own elaborate Georgian hairstyle, something that surely took a good number of servants with a lot of patience and plenty of time on their hands in the first place. "You know," She cheerfully addresses the room, "I've been bored here for hundreds of years and I'd never considered doing my hair to pass the time."

Alison looks thoughtfully around at the others, "Weren't wigs a big thing when you were.... well..." she trails off.

"Alive?" Kitty either doesn't notice the awkwardness or is simply too polite to bring attention to it, "Mostly yes but my sisters and I enjoyed getting our own hair done more, we'd all have it done at the same time and we could spend hours talking to the maids like that, it was very nice!" She continues chattering on as slowly her hair unwinds from the careful pile on top of her head into something far less refined.

After a few more minutes of expectant silence, Kitty's hands slow and she beams, shaking out the last loose strands and waving a hand over the worryingly large pile of accessories in front of her, "I don't have a hairbrush but these should work!" The Captain doesn't disagree, she could certainly do something with that lot, though looking at the size of the pins it may be more akin to murder than simple hair styling. 

Julian fidgets in place at the dawning amusement he can see on those opposite him, "If you could just er - do it quickly?" His voice breaks a little, betraying his nervousness. By now even Mary has cottoned on that this may not be the gentle experience most of the ghosts were expecting, her spiteful laughter a delightful backdrop to Julian's horror as Kitty picks up a few long wires and sets to work.

All-in-all the experience takes about ten minutes and the Captain isn't ashamed to admit he enjoys every second of it, even going so far as to egg Kitty on while she mercilessly twists Julian's hair in ways no hair that short should ever be twisted. The end result is particularly spectacular, instead of the slicked-back look he'd been stuck in since 1993 Kitty has somehow forced Julian's hair to return to its natural curls, each bouncy strand then gathered up into bunches and with various implements tightened and clumped together - reminiscent of closely cut grass with frequent and inexplicable bundles of daisies scattered throughout.

Ignoring Julian's pained whimpers, Kitty stands to thunderous applause (seriously - they're nearly drowning out the actual thunder) and curtsies happily. "I've never done that before, it was fun!" she says. 

Julian clutches his poor, throbbing scalp, "I can believe that!"

Thomas shrugs "I's thought yous would have, that's why I's dared it." He doesn't seem particularly repentant about the mistake, though the Captain supposes he can't be really when even Fanny is joining in with the merriment, albeit with a small polite titter.

Kitty sweeps her skirts aside to sit back down, "I did say it was mostly the maids doing our hair." she says plainly, not understanding why her hairstyling experience (or lack of) would've been relevant. 

"She did!" Robin, rolling around with laughter, offers his helpful support as Julian stays, arms crossed and mouth downturned in the middle of the circle, waiting for everyone to finish amusing themselves at his expense. Unfortunately, one look at the absurd picture he presents is enough to start a fresh wave of laughter amongst his friends as even the Captain finds himself unable to stop chuckling. 

Amidst the hubbub, Alison leans discreetly towards the Captain, "So - this is probably rude" she tilts her head a little, "- but how does being a ghost actually work?" 

The Captain turns to her immediately, confused by the out of the blue question. "What?"

She waves him off, "Sorry, I mean you can obviously walk through things but aren't you lot dead - can you actually feel pain?" 

"Ah," He thinks he knows what she's talking about now, though if he's honest he's been dead for seventy-five years and he's still not quite sure how this works. "Well, I don't know the best way to explain it but we can _feel_ just not the same way we once could." The Captain's on a roll now, he's always loved a good lecture, "You've seen us walk through objects but you also may know we are more likely to use the doors - that's because we do experience an unpleasant sensation when we pass through walls or objects, similar to the feeling of being in cold mist if I remember that correctly."

He pauses to check Alison is still listening and squashes down the automatic surprise when he finds she is to continue, gratified, "You can't feel us walking through you but we do get the most unpleasant sensation, its indescribable really to someone who has never experienced it. Along similar lines, while we can't feel the living we are as real to each other as you are to Mike and, say, if we were to get into a fistfight it would feel as close to actual pain experienced by the living as it could though we would obtain no physical damage-" the Captain cuts off then wide-eyed as he realises most of the others have stopped laughing to listen in. 

"Ahem, yes, anyway, back to the game?" he smiles stiffly at them and it's Pat who beams back, always happy to encourage any form of learning.

The Captain vaguely registers Julian returning to his seat to his left as he considers what he had been about to tell Alison. When he'd woken up as a ghost it'd taken longer for him to notice than he'd admit to, and a big part of that was his body felt the same. As spirits, they still seemed grounded in the world to the extent that they essentially experienced a similar state of being, they didn't need to breathe but their bodies continued to do so automatically, they still slept and they still had most of the aches and pains they'd felt in life. This could be explained as some strange form of muscle memory for the undead, none of them felt the pain from the wounds that had killed them but they all still endured in their mortal bodies as they had before; he still felt like a forty-six-year-old man who'd lived a hard life on the battlefield.

"Captain!" Julian's smug tone is once more what brings the Captain out of his thoughts. 

"Yes?" he replies.

"It's your gos" Thomas says, embracing his new method of speech as he points to the phone still situated in the centre of the group.

The Captain looks quickly up, realising that Julian must have spun the bottle when he wasn't looking because, as promised, it was now pointing directly at him. Julian, looking too much like he had a headful of ruffled dandelion seeds to be taken seriously, smiled that shark smile, "Truth or dare then Captain?"

Having never been one for talking (more of a man of action) he does what is expected of him and meets the other's eyes, "Dare."

Alison nudges Mike, "You can't see this but they're having some weird alpha male stand-off and I just wanted to point out this is almost as pathetic as when you tried to do the same with Toby Nightingale."

Mike snorts unwittingly, "I'm not sure whether your commentary is making this worse or better."

"Oh better, definitely better!" Pat chimes in, shaking his head.

Julian stands once more, seemingly unable to contain his inherent need to pander to the crowd, "Then I dare _you_ "

"As opposed to the other poor sod whos turn it is?" The Captain remarks, but Julian only flaps his hands at him before continuing.

"I dare you to... hmm let's see" He pauses and taps his chin, an action that the Captain can only conceivably see as threatening, "Do a cartwheel!"

"What?!" The Captain snaps, "I'm not a child!"

At that, a particular glint shines in Julian's eye, "I could give you something a little more... _adult_ if you like."

The Captain knows he visibly recoils at that, he's not going to let Julian twist the first genuine group entertainment they've found in years, "Not on your nelly!" he coughs out, voice higher than he intended as he can hear Kitty asking Alison what they're talking about in the background. If it were possible to do so he'd sit up even straighter then, resolving to face this challenge as he has all others, "Fine." He spits out between gritted teeth, getting up slowly till he's near to looking Julian in the eye, "I'll do a cartwheel."

"What's happening now?" Mike whispers to Alison as if he can sense the tension in the room.

"They're having an oddly intense argument over whether or not the Captain should do a cartwheel." She whispers back. 

Mike scratches his nose, "Isn't the Captain the - er - stuffy one?"

"Hush they can all hear you!" She shoves his shoulder and smiles apologetically at the Captain while Mike sulks next to her.

The Captain does his best to ignore this little interaction and breaks away from Julian to get closer to the windowed side of the room, that way if he falls (probable) he'll simply go awkwardly through the alive couple rather than hitting any of his fellow ghosts. It isn't often he's particularly self-conscious but as he futilely dusts off his jacket in preparation to likely fail at a simple children's game he feels distinctly uncomfortable.

Opting against making a comment he tries to ignore the eight pairs of eyes he can feel tracking him (Mike is close but not quite there) and stiffly raises his arms above his head. In his mind, time slows down as he tries to contort his body to perform an action it hasn't done since he was a very young lad, playing out in the neighbouring fields with childhood friends he only remembers fragments of now. Luckily there is still some long-buried instinct that saves an ungainly collapse as the Captain manages to lunge forward and bring his legs up and over, executing a stiff but passable cartwheel and landing with a precise click of his heels that signals to all spectators that they what they have just witnessed is nothing short of a military operation.

Now in the corner of the room behind Kitty, the Captain clenches his fists and waits for the others to react. It isn't long before they all break out of their trancelike staring and, to his embarrassment, Pat leads the others in a round of applause, cheering as he does. 

The Captain feels his moustache twitch in involuntary delight as he treads carefully back to his seat between Mike and Julian, the latter of whom is still stood up, his ridiculous hair rustling slightly as he opens and closes his mouth in disbelief.

"I'd say that was a cartwheel wouldn't you?" The Captain directs toward his nonplussed companion.

Julian says nothing (for once) and merely tips his head slightly as he sits back down, acknowledging the Captain's victory in this one. Alison takes great pleasure in telling Mike that their unusual battle-of-wills is over as she readies herself to press the button for the Captain.

"Er Captain?" Trust Pat to be the first one to ask. "Aren't you going to sit down?"

Drat. He'd really hoped no-one would notice for a few more rounds at least. He'd stayed stood up when Julian hadn't not through some strange superiority complex but because, "I'm afraid I'm stuck like this for a while." That was what he meant when he was trying to explain to Alison that ghosts don't feel in the same way the living do but they are also not completely separated from their mortal bodies - he still has the same bad back he'd started experiencing in the latter years of his life and cartwheeling is a silly thing for any man in his late forties to attempt, alive or dead.

Julian is the first to snicker quietly at his predicament, shameless as always and though the Captain rolls his eyes he is disconcerted to find it is more out of fond exasperation than a genuine annoyance. To their credit, the others seem to be doing their best to pretend that they're not equally amused, each of them shooting him darting glances as they cover their smiles with 'subtle' hand gestures.

The Captain waits a minute, eyebrow arched as he takes in the view of his friends all sat in a circle smiling beguilingly at him before he breaks his perfect composure, "Yes alright laugh away if you must." He isn't surprised when they are once more thrust back into the fits of mirth that have seemingly become commonplace during this game but it is the innocuous gesture of Pat getting up and crossing the circle to hand him back the swagger stick the Captain couldn't bend down to reach himself that tips him over the edge to make him join in their laughter. 

Despite his continued inability to sit and the storm still raging outside, he is still in good spirits a few moments later as he politely asks Alison to spin the Bottle of Doom so the game can continue. The device seems to have an uncanny knack for finding those least engaged in the game as it carefully slows, choosing Fanny as it's next victim.

"Oh!" Fanny exclaims. The normally put-together Edwardian lady seems rather more flustered than usual, like the Captain she had only agreed to the game in the hope she wouldn't be required to participate. "Do I really have to?"

"Yes, goes on!" Mary and Thomas speak at the same time and the Captain truly wishes he had a way of capturing the resulting rattled expression that appears on the poet's face as he freezes.

Fanny blinks at the enthusiastic response, "Well alright then, I'll take a dare please."

"So unladylike!" Alison mock-gasps.

Fanny huffs, "I think you'll find it more appropriate for me to undergo some silly act than to spill my secrets, thank you very much."

Alison simply giggles and leans into Mike's arms, looking every inch the picture of happiness as she observes the positive results of the silly game she started. 

The Captain clears his throat, he hadn't really put much thought into what he'd torment someone else with - most of his focus on avoiding that particular fate himself. Ah well, Fanny needs to lighten up a bit, "I dare you" he glances to Alison to check he's phrasing it right, "to hold someone else's hand for the next five minutes. And of course, they have to agree to it as well." Since everyone else is determined to make this as childish as possible, who is he to discontinue that?

Fanny's eyes widen, clearly not expecting someone as 'stuffy' (as Mike put it) as the Captain to lower himself to Julian's level. "Well, I shan't! I don't want to touch any of this filthy lot!" She turns to her left and makes the mistaking of meeting Mary's gaze as a puff of smoke settles around them. Fanny shrieks and stands, if she had been alive the little stool she'd settled on would surely be halfway across the room. As it is nothing so dramatic happens, Fanny is now the only one other than the Captain standing and she apparently deems his obvious merriment a good enough reason to cross her arms and turn so she's facing away from the circle. 

"Now, now Fanny, didn't Alison mention something about penalties if you refuse to do it?" The Captain says. Truth be told he's relatively sure Alison had mentioned a much more democratic voting method but it spoils the fun to remind Fanny of that right now. 

"I'll hold your hand!" Kitty pipes up - to the surprise of absolutely no one. 

Fanny lowers her arms to her sides, "I suppose you're likely the most well-groomed" her pointed glare to Robin over her shoulder is met only with a wide, cheerful smile.

Kitty nods, her loose hair bouncing on her shoulders cheerfully, "It'll be an adventure!"

"No, it won't. It'll simply be something I have to put up with for five minutes." Fanny deigns to spin around to glare at them, causing Julian who had been mouthing along to her words mockingly to close his mouth with a snap. 

"Fanny, she is technically doing you a favour, you know, you don't have to be so, heh, rude about it." Pat's placating tone obviously does little to soothe the sting behind his words, Fanny gives him a long hard glare as she sweeps past.

With little of her usual grace, she sits in the newly enlargened gap between Kitty and Alison and with a very unladylike glower thrusts her right hand out, palm-up, in Kitty's direction. The Georgian ghost takes it with a happy squeal, "This is just what I imagined a sleepover would be like!"

"It's only early evening Kitty," Alison says with an indulgent smile, "We've still got a ways to go yet."

"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found some lovely playlists for this just as my free spotify premium ran out which is fun.   
> Also rewatched the first episode bc I needed something to do and that side-eye Julian gives the Captain when Mike and Alison got out the car made me laugh.  
> In unrelated news guess how many times I googled the words 'synonym for'


	5. Of songs and screaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone have any better ideas for the fic title btw? this was just meant to be temporary. And probably no update next few weeks!! Family birthdays and a horrible essay to do!! (Sorry this is a day late as well, didn't take long for me to fail that. Fricks sake I did it again, accidentally closed the tab somehow and deleted half of it halfway through. honestly.)

Alison finishes speaking and elbows her husband gently

Mike, who probably thought he'd been staring at nothing but had actually been looking directly at an unperturbed Robin, jumps, "Oi, what was that for?" he says, rubbing his 'injured' ribs.

"It'd be nice if you at least pretended you were paying attention" she replies, mouth tugging into a disappointed frown

Mike shrugs, "We've been here for half an hour and I still don't have a clue what's going on."

The Captain sighs internally, it's really only been half an hour? It's times like this he wishes he had a working watch.

"Come on Mike, they're enjoying it - just smile a little and I'll up my audio description game" Alison nods as if that settles it. "Now if you want to be more involved you can be the designated Bottle Spinner or something."

"Great, a way for me to feel even more like an eight-year-old." His eye-roll doesn't go unnoticed by the Captain but Mike indulges his wife's wishes anyway and grabs the phone to balance it on his jogging-bottom clad knee, "Might as well keep it then if this is my _job_ now."

At Alison's responding glare he holds up his hands, "Alright, alright, let's go!" The fake grin Mike plasters on is more alarming than his previous gloomy frown but he goes ahead and turns the Bottle of Doom to get the game going so there are no more complaints from Alison. 

It seems the name generator is once again not as random as purported as it immediately lands on Alison, prompting an unrestrained laugh from Mike. Alison picks dare again and the Captain is eager to see how Fanny responds, he knows she's uptight (which he will admit is a little rich coming from him) but she also has a surprisingly devious side for such a conservative Edwardian lady.

His point is proven immediately by Fanny's superior expression, "I'll do my best to find something suitable then," she says, attempting to fold her hands delicately in her lap only to stop, shrieking, when she remembers Kitty still has a hold of her right one. 

Fanny blushes faintly but holds her head high and after a brief moment of flustered contemplation she puffs up even more, "I've got it!" she declares.

"That's nice." Alison's polite tone is betrayed by her sly smile and Fanny sniffs, reminding the Captain awfully of his old teacher from fourth form, Mrs Lam, who could peer over her tiny glasses with icy disdain enough to deter even the worst of miscreants.

"Since you're so against being gracious, why don't you perform that silly ditty we saw on the moving box the other day." Fanny commands.

Alison holds her hand up slightly, further reminding the Captain of his long-ago school days, "Just to be clear," she says, "That is a dare?"

"Well, of course, it is," Fanny replies.

"And by moving box you mean telly?" 

"Yes!" Fanny's eyebrows crease slightly, the only indication she's bothered by the questioning.

"And, sorry I'm not quite sure, which _silly ditty_ are you talking about?" Alison grins, a sure indication to the Captain that she does know the song in question. In fact, he's sure it would be impossible for any of them not to after Pat had insisted on some educational children's programme for their last telly night that had played it on repeat in the background for an hour.

"You know the one I mean," If possible, Fanny's voice gets haughtier, "The one with the teapot!"

Alison simply blinks innocently in reply, forcing the Captain to smother a chuckle. After a tense few seconds in which both ladies engage in an odd staring contest Fanny relents, "The one that starts 'I'm a little teapot, short and stout'" she grits out.

"Oh, I think I know the one you mean," Alison says brightly, "Would you like me to do the dance as well?"

"Yes, that would be best," The change in Fanny's tone tells the Captain she's likely realised that Alison is taking the mickey. 

Alison seems to understand this as well and gets up, taking a few steps back, "Right, well, no-one can say I tried to get out of it. Mike, look up the lyrics for me, will you? Oh-" she claps her hands once, "I do get background music right?"

"Pardon?" Fanny replies.

"I mean I'm going attempt to sing, but I can get my phone to play the tune at the same time if you'll let me - it'll be less painful for everyone else that way." 

The Captain's pretty sure it's going to be embarrassing for everyone concerned as it is but Fanny agrees so he's not going to argue.

-

After some flailing of various limbs, "I'm stretching!" Alison positions Mike next to her as a human stand for her phone and then pauses, waiting for her spectral spectators to settle down. 

" _I'm a little teapot short and stout_ ," The Captain is shocked to find himself muttering along and clamps his jaw, content to watch in horrified fascination.

" _Here is my handle_ ," Alison curves her right arm behind her back as she bounces in place, " _Here is my spout,_ " she's actually not as bad as he was expecting.

Mike gleefully turns the music up, receiving a glare from his now less-amused wife, " _When I get all steamed up_ ," her continuous bobbing is mesmerising, " _Hear me shout, Tip me over and pour me out!_ " As Alison energetically acts along the Captain edges slowly sideways till he is instead stood behind Julian, best not to be in direct line of fire and all that.

" _I'm a very special teapot, yes it's true,_ " She continues, barely missing Fanny with an overzealous step, " _Here's an example of_ \- Mike scroll up! - _what I can do_ " she pants and falters slightly before picking the pace up once more, bubbly background music persisting. 

" _I can turn my handle into a spout"_ The Captain doesn't recognise these particular dance moves from what they actually watched but it's likely close enough, " _Tip me over_ " she takes a deep breath, " _And pour me out!_ "

Alison finishes to scattered applause from the ghosts, including Kitty who doesn't seem to notice that she's using Fanny's hand and Pat who whistles the very same tune back.

"Right, well that's enough of that," she gets her breath back and smiles wide, cheeks flushed, "You can stop the music now Mike, you enjoying yourself yet?"

Mike nods as they both re-take their seats, "Yeah, yeah, you know what? I'm starting to see why this could be fun."

"Thought you would." Alison leans over as if to kiss him, only to press the button on her phone and quickly back away, "Shall we see who's next then?" she laughs.

-

The Captain can't help but hold himself very still as once more the Bottle of Doom makes it way around the circle, base instinct nonsensically shouting that if it can't see him it can't hurt him. Luckily, in spite of the flawed logic, it does pass by him and instead, it is once again Mary who falls victim to its will. 

Mary is quick to react, "Dares! No singing though, I's never been very goods" 

"Hmm, so something as embarrassing as that but without any singing?" Alison asks, tapping her chin, "There's a small problem there."

"What is its?"

"See", she says, "Half the fun of a game like this is making each other look like idiots in front of a group of people who don't know why, but we don't have one."

"So an impartial third party?" The Captain queries.

Alison nods, "Yeah, and there's no one like that that can see you," She snorts, "Even if we got the arsehole neighbours over they'd just think I was crazy."

Pat chips in, "Well, er, that's not entirely true,"

"What they'd think me talking to thin air perfectly sane?" She raises her eyebrow.

The Captain is forcefully reminded of said neighbours dinner party antics, with the amount she can put away Bunny would probably be right there with her.

"No," Pat adjusts his glasses, "I mean, there's the plague ghosts in the cellar."

Exactly what the Captain himself had been about to mention, though judging from her stunned expression, Alison had forgotten completely, "That's a brilliant idea Pat!" she exclaims.

"Oh thank you, well, I mean, I suppose it's worth a try, isn't it?"

"Worth a try," Alison repeats, "Okay Mary, I think I've got it - I dare you to go down to the cellar and skip around all of the ghosts there in a circle."

Mary looks bemused, "Is that its?"

"Hold on, hold on, this is the best part-" Alison lifts her hands excitedly, "You have to keep skipping around them, you can make noises if you want, but you've got to stay there until at least one of them tells you to go away."

The Captain clears his throat, "Sorry to interrupt-"

"You never are" Julian mumbles, thoroughly ignoring the hypocrisy of his statement.

"but couldn't that take an awfully long time?" he finishes, glaring at Julian's back.

Alison shrugs, "That's the fun of it, she's going to have to try and get them to throw her out."

"I's don't minds trying" Mary says.

"That's settled then," Alison stands up once more, "Off to the cellar."

-

The ghosts all slowly join her in preparing to leave the library, though they are not without their complaints, "Oh must wes!" Thomas sighs, slumping in his seat. He goes unacknowledged by everyone other than Pat who stops to give him a consoling pat (the Captain _knows_ he's hilarious) on the back.

Fanny huffs but gets up carefully, holding her's and Kitty's joined hands out with a poorly disguised look of disgust, "Surely it's been five minutes?" 

Mike checks his watch when Alison relays the question, "Yep, looking good." Fanny sighs and, with more care than the Captain expected, unclasps her hand from her fellow ghost's before shaking it out and turning to join the others in their progress out of the room.

Mary marches out first, Alison, Mike and the remaining ghosts trailing slowly while the Captain waits for everyone else to leave first, as is polite. This means that despite previous assertions to head all campaigns he's bringing up the rear as they approach the cellar but it's easier like this, he doesn't like feeling eyes on his back. 

Plus, he gets a good view of everyone tiptoeing gently down the stairs - he'd tell them that they don't make noise, even to other ghosts, but it's funnier this way. Alison and Mike are perhaps the only two who would need to be quiet and they're instead crashing around clumsily as she does her best to stop them walking through anyone.

-

When they're halfway down the stairs Alison stops suddenly, "Wait," she whispers.

"What now?" Julian groans.

"I think Mike and I are just going to have to stay here," she replies, "They'll know we're all up to something if they see us following Mary and while you lot might be able to do so without being noticed they'll definitely spot us opening the door."

There's a mill of confusion after her statement so the Captain takes it upon himself to get everyone going again, "About face and forward march!" He's largely joking but it's gratifying to see the group complying without pause, disregarding Julian sticking his tongue out in a manner most unbecoming of the distinguished politician he claims to be.

-

They make it to the bottom of the stairs without further incident and as if someone flips a switch Mary starts laughing manically, gliding through the closed door into the cellar. Hurriedly the rest of the ghosts shuffle around in the tight corridor, arranging themselves so everyone can stick their heads through the door or nearby walls without being too squashed together.

What the Captain sees when he sticks his head through the door is, like everything else in this game so far, something that will stick with him for the rest of his undying days. Mary's mad cackling is, if anything, now higher in pitch and she has a wide grin plastered from ear to ear as she skips (in what could generously be called a tipsy oval) around the bewildered plague ghosts. 

They aren't hostile as of yet, simply watching and muttering amongst themselves as the nightmarish vision careens around the room. The Captain would say that the two groups of spirits only interact once in a blue moon so the other's inability to react is unsurprising, likely too overwhelmed by the strange visit to yet begin determining reasons for it.

"I think I can see why they burned her," Julian mutters from his left. 

The Captain tilts his head, "Extreme, but I see your point." It looks like the plague ghosts are beginning to as well now, as Mary's laughter changes into full-on screaming and she hikes up her skirts to do some absurd caricature of the can-can.

A faint whispering round starts up among them as they all seem to be asking her why she's here at the same time, their voices overlapping in increasing volume. This continues in crescendo until one of the plague ghosts gets impatient, "This is just weird right guys?"

"Yeah pretty much," Another one chimes in, all of them bobbing their heads strangely in sync. 

"Nothing to do with the boiler is it?" A third asks.

"Well, she's clearly not saying!" The Captain isn't sure which one that was as they all chatter at once, arguing loudly over why Mary could be there, leaving the woman herself still skipping her odd ritualistic circles.

He's worried they're all going to be there forever before the tallest resident of the plague pit holds out his arms, "Right, right everyone stop. You there," He points at Mary, "Could you stop as well please?"

Mary falters slightly but seems to decide that she hasn't explicitly been told to get out, and instead throws her head back beginning to shout the awful nursery rhyme the wispy plague girl had taught them, "Ring a ring o' roses, a pocketful of posies-"

"See now, that's just insensitive," pipes up another and again they start the strange round of whispers, each joining in;

"Yeah"

"Yes it is,"

"Yeth!" One lisps, hampered by bad dentistry.

Mary ignores the increasingly upset ghosts, continuing to belt the words out with a cracking voice, "A-tishoo, a-tishoo, we all fall down!"

Julian leans over to the Captain once more, ears covered, "She did say she wouldn't sing!" he half-shouts.

"I think I would've preferred it if she had," The Captain replies, though he's not convinced of the truth behind his own words.

After what seems like forever, but is in all likelihood only another thirty seconds, the spirits of the cellar have finally had enough, "Alright, that's it, GET OUT!"

Abruptly Mary halts and, without another word, vanishes back from whence she came leaving everyone behind her blinking uncertainly, that is, until the plague ghosts spot their disembodied heads lined up on the wall.

"Oi, what are you lot doing here?" 

"Yeah, you never come visit."

"Hang on," Its the tall one again, frowning at them, "What are you up to?"

"Right, time to go!" The Captain shouts, pulling back from the wall and retreating quickly up the stairs to where Mike and Alison are waiting, the others not far behind. 

Alison, who'd been slumped against her husband, straightens up, "Oh good you're back," she gestures over her shoulder, "Mary went straight back to the library before I could ask her how it went."

"That's good," The Captain says, shuffling in place.

"So?" She stares expectantly, "How did it go?"

"Er, loudly!" he replies as the rest of the ghosts gather impatiently. He's honestly not sure how to describe what just happened and it must show on his face because Alison rolls her eyes and turns around, letting them off the hook.

-

As they make their way back to the library the Captain reflects on his day so far; he'd spent most of the morning paranoid about the forecast storm, the early afternoon hiding in his room so no-one would notice this fear and later when it arrived, he'd cowered in his room.

Since the beginning of this game though, a mere 40-odd minutes if everyone's timekeeping was to be believed, he'd been laughing and enjoying himself right along with everyone else. Perhaps playing childish games every once in a while isn't so bad after all.

He's still smiling fondly as they re-enter the library and take their original positions, though Robin accidentally catches his eye and gives him a large grin back. Even talking to his fellow ghosts has been better throughout this game, despite the occasional hiccup, (otherwise known as Julian.)

Taking up his post between Mike and Julian, the Captain decides his back will probably allow him to sit down this time and, thankfully, there's a general clamour while everyone else sits down so no-one notices if he's wincing a little more than he should. Despite his previous speech to Alison, he's still not sure how much of his pain is psychosomatic as opposed to genuine. 

-

Mary, who'd been the first sat down and ready to play again, draws his attention back to the game, "Cans you spins it then?" she croaks, voice suffering from her dare.

"I'll take this one!" Julian leans over the Captain to tap the mobile phone once more balanced on Mike's knee.

"Shiii-" Mike exclaims as the button depresses right in front of him with no visible cause.

Alison giggles, "He definitely did that on purpose to make you jump."

"Well, it worked." Mike shakes his head, groaning when the Bottle of Doom highlights his name, "Can I please catch a break?"

"Oi, you've had it better than I have!" She replies, elbowing him for at least the second time in the last half hour.

Mary interrupts their 'banter', "Weeelll?" she warbles, "Truths or Dare?"

"Truth this time, thanks," Mike replies once the question has been relayed to him.

Mary nods approvingly, "Truths is good."

There's a pause where everyone simply stares at her before she continues, "Oh yes, Is is asking! Sorry, forgot." The Captain shakes his head slightly, only Mary. "Okay, I've got ones, Has you ever," she twists her hands together mischievously, "stolen anythings?"

Mike rocks back in his seat looking affronted, "Of course not!" he replies, far too quickly for the Captain to consider believing him.

Apparently Alison agrees, "That's a lie if I've ever heard one."

"Hey, how would you know? I've never told you I've stolen anything!"

She raises an eyebrow, "Mike, that's not a denial, go on, just answer the question - it's fun."

"Sure, fun," he mutters, "Fine, fine, I'll tell you and a bunch of invisible people my deep dark secrets..." 

The Captain leans forward in his seat, simultaneously eager to hear the answer and struggling to restrain himself from mentioning they're simply not visible to Mike, not entirely invisible. 

"...I stole a box of tic-tacs," he smacks his lips, "Yup, I, the evil one, took an entire 60p box of tic-tacs from Tesco when I was about ten."

Alison chokes on a laugh, "Are you kidding me? I thought it was actually going to be something interesting for a second there."

"Why?" Mike leans toward her and grins, "Worried you'd married a bad boy?"

She snorts, putting both hands on his chest and pushing him away again, "You and I both know that's not true."

He scratches the back of his head, "Yeah, alright," he says, "You married me anyway though."

"I did," Alison agrees, "I married a delightful man," at Mike's grin she holds up her hand, "A sweet, sweet guy who should really be spinning the bottle right about now."

"Hey!" He complains

"What? They're all waiting for you."

"Oh yeah!" At the reminder that there are in fact eight other people surrounding them Mike shakes his flirty expression off and grudgingly goes to press the button. Thus he sends The Bottle of Doom once more on its wicked way and the Captain tenses, clenching his hands as he waits breathlessly (ha!) for its verdict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I've finally found something I'm good at - being in lockdown. Still not very productive but I'm great at the whole not talking to people thing :)  
> Do I know what any of this chapter is??? Not really, Alison just wouldn't shut up. and is it just me or does Mary sound like Gollum here.  
> We're ignoring the fact this is past midnight and saying I updated it on Wednesday. k thx bye.


End file.
